ARRIVING HOME

December 20:

I have been home for almost 12 hours now and I’m beginning to feel the whiplash from the impact that Haiti has had on me.  There are pieces of my heart sprinkled all over Kay Anj and Cap Haitian now and I couldn’t retrieve them even if I wanted to.  The carousel of chaos that I live in here in the DC area is already in motion and gaining speed…and with one heel dragging and digging into the ground, I am making a futile attempt to slow its pace and thwart the advancement of the inevitable.  I can’t avoid the pace of Northern Virginia…but I do have choices on whether or not I will allow that pace to steal what Haiti has given me.  

I am excited to pick up my daughters in about an hour.  Seeing the harsh reality of the children in Haiti has affected me in many ways.  In addition to the aching in my heart for what these children and mothers endure, there is also gratitude that, for reasons I cannot comprehend, my children have everything they need and more and I have never had to give my children away to ensure that they live another day.  It’s not that I haven’t been aware of the calamity that befalls thousands of human beings on any given day around the globe, and it’s certainly not that I haven’t been affected by “the knowing” before.  I’ve seen deep and real darkness.  I’ve held it and wept with it many times. And I wouldn’t have it any other way because I’ve also had the honor of celebrating the light that covers it when hurting people get what they need.  There is always light.  No matter how dark things may get, the light is never far from it.  

That light is exposing secrets along my path that have been hiding until just the right moment.  That moment has come.  God has been pouring new and deeper truths into my heart this week and dropping glimpses of his plans and desires for me and the gifts that I bring to the world.  He is also reminding me not to spend too much time soaking in the pool of emotions I am now neck deep in, so as not to drown in its hidden vanity and futility.

It is a wonderful thing to be reminded of all that we have, but what then?  Do we simply pat less fortunate heads and say “Thanks for the extra helping of gratitude!  I feel so good and I will think of you while I”m enjoying this newfound appreciation and all of the privileges that are attached to it.”  

I know that may sound harsh, but it’s just what is on my heart right now.  Most of us talk a big game and I am no different.  We can easily get caught up in a moment of urgency and then when things get hard or when we are distracted by a shiny, new blessing, the clouds of  discouragement come threatening. Before we know it, we can find ourselves soaked and dripping with apathy.

So we are grateful.  Big freaking deal.  Good for us.

Looking back at the week, I am grappling for what I’m not at all grateful for.  I’m clinging to the things that will keep me awake at night and bring me tearfully to my knees in the morning.  I already have a grateful heart and an endless supply of joy and love to share with the world that comes directly from Love itself.  I don’t need a bigger helping of gratitude as much as I need a few new cracks in my broken heart.  I”m no martyr and I’m not seeking unnecessary suffering.  I just want to make sure that I always embrace the uglier truths of life so that my heart will remain pliable for the constant sculpting that is needed in order to become a masterpiece for God.  

Sometimes, we are given gifts that we don’t want and didn’t ask for.  Debbie and Bill Harvey, founders of Helping Haitian Angels, were given one of those gifts 7 years ago when they found a run-down building full of abandoned, dying children in Haiti.  Because they said yes and because they continue to say yes every day, that gift has grown into a 40-acre village that is creating a new generation of forward-thinking leaders who will care for and breathe new life into Haiti and its people in powerful ways.  The shift is in motion and hope is gaining momentum as these kids who were found on death’s door are now thriving physically, emotionally and spiritually as they round the corner into adulthood.

  

But a gift as great as this does not claim its value from good intentions and a bleeding, grateful heart.  It has taken an enormous commitment from everyone involved, divinely assembled partnerships, prayer warriors, mistakes that birthed knowledge, responsible stewardship of generous donations and unshakable faith (just to name a few).  It has been an honor to walk alongside of HHA this week and become a part of what they are doing, not just in Haiti, but here in my community.  Lives have been changed, minds have been opened, faith has been stretched (including mine). God’s plans are so big and we can’t forget that, when even one person is touched by His love, we are all touched by it.  What happens in Haiti or Haymarket can be felt around the globe, whether good or bad.  Everything matters.