Dailing In...

December 12 - The Day Before I Leave:

I have had very little sleep in the past 48 hours.  Friday night, I went out dancing after work just to use up some of the wild current of energy that was pulsing through my veins.  I finally came home at around 1:30am dripping in GROOVE sweat and still couldn’t sleep.   After about an hour of lying there, I was finally able to get a few hours of sleep before waking up from a disturbing dream.  I rarely recall my dreams, so when I do, I pay attention to what God and His beautiful Universe might have to say to me. 

In my dream, I got into an elevator and hit the button to go up.  When I got to my destination floor, the doors would not open.  The elevator and I just sat there like a teenager whose just been told to take out the trash.  I decided to see what would happen if I just went back down to the floor I started from and maybe I could get out of the elevator that was now making me feel a little trapped.  It got back to my starting point and the doors would not open.  From there, I kept pushing buttons and the elevator proceeded to take me up and down and up and down.  This linear roller coaster ride went on for a while and then suddenly, I hit another button I hadn’t hit before.  The elevator stopped for a moment and then rolled right off the track it was on and moved out of the building and into the streets.  The self in the dream could not see out of the elevator but I, as the dreamer, had a broader vision,  The self inside that elevator was growing increasingly frightened.  I feared I would slam into a wall or off a cliff or who knows what else at any moment and I was beginning to worry about not being able to breathe.  Suddenly I remembered my phone was in my pocket!  I called 911 and though fear was gripping my throat, I was comforted to hear a voice on the other end of the line.   But when I opened my mouth to speak, few words came out.  Instead tears gushed down my face and my short, urgent breaths reigned over my words.   The voice on the other end was calm and began to speak to me.  That voice knew what I needed and the more I heard it speak, the deeper the calm spread within me.  I was beginnig to understand that, just because I couldn’t speak, that voice wasn’t going to hang up on me.  It stayed with me until I could get words out.  Right about the time the words began to flow, I woke up.

That same sense of entrapment and fear I was feeling in my dream was like a dark, eerie fog, all around my awakened state and I couldn’t go back to sleep.  My mind was trying to comprehend what this dream was all about and it didn’t take long to figure it out once I started journaling about it.  As I typed the first letters, the answer just came pouring out onto the page. 

Throughout my adult life, I have struggled with certain thought patterns that have been keeping me stuck and causing me unnecessary struggles that stem from feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy.   For the last few weeks, however, I have returned to the fruitful ritual of spending more time in prayer and meditation each morning and night and being more intentional about how I approach and move into my day.   So, as I was journaling, it all became quickly clear that the elevator represented the linear path of up and down motion I have been stuck on for so long.  And God was letting me know that He was taking me off of this track and sending me out into the world (ironically, the day before I take my first trip out of the country).  I don’t know exactly know where He is taking me and it’s scary.  In some ways I am a courageous lion and in other ways, I am just a terrified puppy.  The fear of not being enough and letting people down scares me and I know I will wrestle with these.  I don’t want to feel the feelings that are coming when my inadequacies show themselves loudly and when I disappoint (even when it is necessary), but I have to feel and embrace them if I’m going to grow.   I did not realize how afraid I have been of this…and of my own power and strengths (which are really not my own).  I was so terrified in that elevator once it began moving that I could barely speak.  God reminded me very quickly that help was only a phone call away…but I had to pick up the damn phone and dial if I wanted it.  That’s what I’ve been doing.  Dialing in.  And He is moving me exactly where I need to go.  And whenever I feel afraid, He is reminding me that I am not alone and that I’m going to be ok as long as I stay on the line. 

So, off I go in my elevator...with my phone in my back pocket.  If I was ever going to be addicted to my phone, now is the time.