I dropped Rachel off today at Park Valley Church for her first trip out of the country and her first trip to Haiti with Helping Haitian Angels. We’ve both been talking about this trip for months and all of sudden, I’m watching the church van drive away with my heart in it.
I could tell she was a little anxious. She doesn't really know anyone on this trip yet and social settings are awkward for her. I am fortunate enough to know more about who she’s going with and that she will have a great time with them once she gets to know them a bit. But Rachel doesn’t have the luxury of having that insight, so this is going to be a stretch for her.
And it didn’t help that we had an ugly argument last night either. We have our share of disagreements, but for the past few years, they rarely turn into anything dramatic, so I was very upset with myself for allowing such a thing to escalate the night before such an important event. I think we were both a little more stressed than either of us realized and it all came out in a matter of minutes and ended with tears. We spent some time apart and then talked it through and got it resolved but it still felt like bits and pieces of hurt were lingering this morning. You can’t usually just make that go away with words, so I had to just accept that sometimes, I just fail as a mom and she may be going off with some angst still directed at me. I’m okay with her not always liking me or understanding where I’m coming from. That’s not her job. As I look back on last night, I know I wasn’t being fair to her and I was glad to see that, even though she respects me, she did not accept the irrational place I went to. It was not her job to understand that I was feeling a lot of “maternal” emotions over her taking this trip. She was busy with her own emotions and, for a few moments, I was too busy thinking about my own when I needed to be thinking about hers. Despite the many things she may have been feeling, she was strong enough to challenge my actions while trying to manage her racing thoughts about everything that is coming at her right now. I am reminded that this is a young lady who can handle herself and honor and defend herself when she feels she has been wronged. It is just like her to leave me a fortuitous gift at the bottom of a meltdown…even if I didn’t deserve it. She is always leaving gifts for me and she doesn’t even know it. Just by being who she is, she leaves petals of beauty and truth all around me. She causes me to stop and think things through a bit more, to dig a little deeper, look a little longer or listen more intently.
These are priceless gifts and I wonder if I could ever give her what she gives me. I don’t think it is possible. I would just be happy right now to be a fly on the wall so I can watch the highlights of this week play out from the front row of her life. She is going to find parts of herself in Haiti that she would not have found anywhere else. One week from now, she will not be the same person. There will be something different about that anxious girl, hiding her face in a book from the eyes and minds of people who want to know her. I don’t know who she will be when I pick her up but I know that this trip will at that time be a landmark in my child’s life experiences all because she said yes to being uncomfortable. In doing so, she also said yes to a deeper, richer life.
But, for now, she and I will just have to let that patronizing little bitch named Comfort know that she can drop and in and say hi now and then, but she’s not welcome to hang out. She’s just passing through and the guest of honor is right behind her. Yeah. We’re saving the “good china” for Growth.
